Friday, October 30, 2009

Boy George Part II

This kid was one of the finalists on American Idol and I actually really like him. I don't know his music at all, but I'm guessing it probably sounds just like Lil Wayne with maybe a hint of N.W.A.
What I like is that he's trying to make it in the music industry, even though he could easily just be a Fergie impersonator. And that he's gay- really really really gay.
I love gay men and wish they could turn it off slightly so we could be married, and I admire the strength it takes to come out of the closet. So for him to come out to the American public and be really nonchalant about it is awesome. And then to release a CD cover that would make Pat Robertson shit himself-- DOUBLE awesome.


"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems." -- Some guy named Justin's dad

The Geriatrics Next Door

That's the name E! network would have to use if Hugh Hefner actually dated people his age.

Anyway, The Girls Next Door is so fucking stupid this season. The events are stupid, the interviews are stupid, and the new girls are really, really stupid.

Especially Dumb and Dumber-- the barely-legal twins that are Hefner's pets now.

Okay, Holly, Bridget and Kendra weren't exactly about to win the Nobel Prize or anything, but they could probably at least spell it.

This season actually makes me cringe. I keep waiting for the girls' parents to come pick them up from topless daycare, but instead they spend night after night sleeping next to a corpse.

Alright Mr. DeMille, I'm Ready For My Close Up

I've decided that I want a successful career of doing nothing, essentially. Minimal effort, maximum allowance. All the Kim Kardashian / Paris Hilton types who have achieved this all got there from showing their cooch and then complaining about it. Lets be more original. I do like the idea of being famous for your fucking blog like Perez Hilton or Bryanboy. Well, BB isn't as famous, but he gets invited to Fashion Week and gets to hang out with Marc Jacobs and such and get free shit. So lets make that work. Hmm... who says idiotic things and can be my celebrity endorser? I mean Paris is pretty stupid but I don't think she can read. We'll work on this...

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Red Foreman


I'm watching reruns of That 70s Show at 2 in the morning because I can't sleep and coming up with very important observations such as this one:

Red Foreman looks like The Brain from Pinky and The Brain.

Cool. Glad we had this conversation.

Woman Laacks Sobriety

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. — Police say a Wisconsin woman stripped in front of her children in an attempt to avoid arrest for shoplifting, then scuffled with officers and exposed herself through a squad car window.

Julia E. Laack, 36, of Sheboygan was charged Friday with felony battery of a peace officer, resisting an officer, shoplifting and two counts of disorderly conduct, the Sheboygan Press reported.

The criminal complaint alleges Laack stole a bag of beef jerky and a lighter at a convenience store Thursday afternoon. Police went to her home. The complaint said she refused to come to the door and began screaming and swearing at three children in her house, telling one that the incident was all his fault.

Police entered and tried to calm her down. With her children present, the complaint said, she stripped to her underwear and told the officers they couldn't arrest her because she would be naked.

Laack struggled with the officers as they tried to arrest her, the complaint alleged, kicking one in the groin and spitting in the mouth of another.

While in the squad car on the way to the police station, the complaint said, Laack exposed her buttocks against the rear window.

The complaint said Laack had a preliminary blood-alcohol level of 0.112 percent. The legal blood-alcohol limit for driving is 0.08 percent.

Laack remained in jail Friday night. A man who answered the phone at her home declined comment.


This is excellent and I really appreciate that her name is Julia.
Second favorite thing about this story is the "you can't arrest me cuz I'm getting naked" line. If only Larry Craig knew about this technicality.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hot Head

History Class is far more interesting in college. Maybe that's because the professor is the strangest woman I have ever met, from her stories about her wild sex life to her odd choice to sport one of those mushroom haircuts that middle-age women like to get.

Last class (that I actually went to) did not disappoint, as we learned about Plato's view on childbirth.

Apparently this dickwad (yep, that's a scholarly term. Oh you didn't know that? Clearly you have never attended a community college.) believed that women had almost nothing to do with birthing a child. They were just the 'ovens' essentially while the man's seed that he planted in the oven/garden/household item had the entire baby inside it. And what kept this little man egg warm was blood, so the woman obviously wouldn't have liked any Kristin Stewart movies. Actually, she couldn't like anything much at all, except maybe watching her drool hit the floor.

This is because women were not fit to be intellectuals, and educating a woman was a BAD idea. Not because you'd have to listen to her praise of Jodi Picoult novels, but because thinking forced all blood to enter your brain, and would leave the man fetus chilly. They didn't have Snuggies back then.

I don't know. Just when you think we've come a long way, the world is granted someone like Paris Hilton who would prove Plato completely right. I guess Kathy Hilton (why do I know her name?!?) had a heavy menstrual flow.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Oh hai Gary


Gossip Girl

I Get High

Attention blogosphere slash the people who find this blog by accident when they search "Banana Hammock":

Have any of y'all been skydiving?

I'm thinking about doing it for my next birthday. You know, well before my ta-tas sag and flop around in the sky like deflating balloons.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Stare Down

Babies generally piss me off to begin with, but most of the time I can let it go and just find humor in the fact that most of them look like E.T. Not me, though, I was fucking adorable. And I was potty trained at 2 months, I just wore a diaper so everyone else wouldn't feel bad. Moving on, the worst offense that I have against these little blobs is that they stare into your soul without anyone telling them that it's rude. So if no one's going to tell them that it's rude, I've decided to show them instead. I do this with what I like to call a "learning glare" and it goes something like this:

Baby: (stares annoyingly)

Me: Fake Smile




And they can't tell Mommy and Daddy that that mean redhead girl is Doctor Evil-ing them while they sit minding their own business in their baby basket (bassinet?) because they CAN'T TALK. Well, once again, I could, but not everyone is up to my caliber.

Monday, March 16, 2009

New Yawk

^There I am, hailing a cab. Got swallowed up my hair scrunchie again. I just never learn.

NYC is a funny place. It never ceases to deliver the crazy (always collect the "we will all die in the pits of hell" pamphlets because they're full of Lolz) and the horrendous smells that I've found to be mostly urine with a hint of lemon. But it is also beautiful. Despite whatever hairy bastard sits too close to you on the Subway.

And my friend and I can proudly proclaim that we were tourist buffalo, as we were one step above the tourist sheep that stand in the exact middle of the crosswalks and wait to see if they should cross the rest of the few feet to the otherside or turn around completely. I don't know how the cabbies don't knock them down like bowling pins, to be honest. That also would seem quite fun.

Anyway, it was good times by all. Highlights include my friend belligerently yelling at Mickey and Minnie to see if they could see us inside their giant heads, and trying to decide if we were high or the sidewalk in Times Square WAS actually glittery. Apparently it was, and I've decided that that's the sweat of famous people.

Too bad I missed meeting up with people other than the giant fake mice (I promised you a shout-out, Mimi!) but there will definitely be a next time.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Martha Martha Martha!

First of all, let me just say that I love the above picture. Especially because it screams "I will strangle you with my mink scarf and use your gutted head for my petunias. I spent time in the big house."
But this post isn't about her sentence or the lack of a teardrop tattoo, but rather how unintentionally hilarious her show is. I started off my 11 o'clock hour watching The View, but when I realized that the occasion for menopausal arguing wasn't a required family gathering, I exercised my right to change the channel. So then came Martha-Living or Living With Martha, or whatever sugar-coated name they used to describe the hell that her fellow inmates went through. And boy, it did not disappoint! A quick summary would have M-Dawg spewing cuntiness from every pore and then covering up her impatient musings with "HAHA." For example, "GET ME MY PARKA- NO NOT THE GREY ONE YOU INCOMPETENT PIECE OF TRAILER TRASH- THE RED ONE!!! GET YOUR INBRED ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I NAOMI CAMPBELL YOU!!!" ............ "HAHA"