New Years With Maury

Someone just informed me that New Year's is coming up soon, but they also said that John McCain lost the election, so I'm pretty sure they're full of shit.
Anyhoo, I made some resolutions just in case.

1) Don't get gonorrhea again
2) Stop stealing from grandma
3) Tell Mike or Justin that he's the father
4) Learn what "misdemeanor" means
5) Find out what that stain in the bathroom is from

Today, is a special day

Anybody got any Raid?

Left- Manis Arora collection
Right- Great kids movie

Lonely MILFs Are Waiting!

Ever since I was 8 years old, I've had an email account. Granted, it was probably something like "boogerbouncer6@hotmail.com" but nonetheless, I am not unaware of the magic of spam and the lolz it can bring. I like the ones that include my full name, especially when it's advertising penile enhancers and they come 20 times a day. (The emails, that is).
My recent favorite, though, is one simply titled "LONELY MILFS ARE WAITING" written just like that. The imagery is just so perfect. Linda the soccer mom drops the pan of lasagna as she reaches for her beeper which alerts her that someone has received the email. She races out the door in her mom jeans to meet up with a 38 year old man who found the email while taking a break from World of Warcraft. They spend the following 15 minutes cavorting on his parents' couch, and she leaves him a casserole to thank him for his time.
Cheers to you, Linda. Cheers to you.

Crazy-eyed Motherfucker

So apparently I've acquired this weird habit of having to blink more times than normal, and for longer periods of time. This wasn't so much of an issue until I realized I did it while driving on freeways and whatnot. Essentially I'm Stevie Wonder behind the wheel. In realizing that I don't want to hit small children or more importantly, squirrels, I've been trying to force myself out of this habit by expanding my eyes instead. I'd like to tell you that's not as weird as it sounds, but I look like something from Where the Wild Things Are. I feel as though I'm a science lesson. Not only can children get an up-close view of retinas, but their parents can reiterate the lesson about not smoking crack behind the elementary school.