Martha Martha Martha!

First of all, let me just say that I love the above picture. Especially because it screams "I will strangle you with my mink scarf and use your gutted head for my petunias. I spent time in the big house."
But this post isn't about her sentence or the lack of a teardrop tattoo, but rather how unintentionally hilarious her show is. I started off my 11 o'clock hour watching The View, but when I realized that the occasion for menopausal arguing wasn't a required family gathering, I exercised my right to change the channel. So then came Martha-Living or Living With Martha, or whatever sugar-coated name they used to describe the hell that her fellow inmates went through. And boy, it did not disappoint! A quick summary would have M-Dawg spewing cuntiness from every pore and then covering up her impatient musings with "HAHA." For example, "GET ME MY PARKA- NO NOT THE GREY ONE YOU INCOMPETENT PIECE OF TRAILER TRASH- THE RED ONE!!! GET YOUR INBRED ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I NAOMI CAMPBELL YOU!!!" ............ "HAHA"

New Years With Maury

Someone just informed me that New Year's is coming up soon, but they also said that John McCain lost the election, so I'm pretty sure they're full of shit.
Anyhoo, I made some resolutions just in case.

1) Don't get gonorrhea again
2) Stop stealing from grandma
3) Tell Mike or Justin that he's the father
4) Learn what "misdemeanor" means
5) Find out what that stain in the bathroom is from

Today, is a special day

Anybody got any Raid?

Left- Manis Arora collection
Right- Great kids movie

Lonely MILFs Are Waiting!

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Crazy-eyed Motherfucker

So apparently I've acquired this weird habit of having to blink more times than normal, and for longer periods of time. This wasn't so much of an issue until I realized I did it while driving on freeways and whatnot. Essentially I'm Stevie Wonder behind the wheel. In realizing that I don't want to hit small children or more importantly, squirrels, I've been trying to force myself out of this habit by expanding my eyes instead. I'd like to tell you that's not as weird as it sounds, but I look like something from Where the Wild Things Are. I feel as though I'm a science lesson. Not only can children get an up-close view of retinas, but their parents can reiterate the lesson about not smoking crack behind the elementary school.

Happy Halloween

I didn't get to celebrate Halloween this year because the state made me put a sign in my window, but I'm thinking that next year I'd like to go as a roofie. I think it would fit well in Facebook pictures next to my friends dressed as Naughty Nurses and such. It's not as creative as The Joker or Sarah Palin, but goddammit, it's just as funny! Hoo buddy, I haven't laughed this hard since OJ shot people.