The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Red Foreman

TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

I'm watching reruns of That 70s Show at 2 in the morning because I can't sleep and coming up with very important observations such as this one:

Red Foreman looks like The Brain from Pinky and The Brain.

Cool. Glad we had this conversation.

Woman Laacks Sobriety

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. — Police say a Wisconsin woman stripped in front of her children in an attempt to avoid arrest for shoplifting, then scuffled with officers and exposed herself through a squad car window.

Julia E. Laack, 36, of Sheboygan was charged Friday with felony battery of a peace officer, resisting an officer, shoplifting and two counts of disorderly conduct, the Sheboygan Press reported.

The criminal complaint alleges Laack stole a bag of beef jerky and a lighter at a convenience store Thursday afternoon. Police went to her home. The complaint said she refused to come to the door and began screaming and swearing at three children in her house, telling one that the incident was all his fault.

Police entered and tried to calm her down. With her children present, the complaint said, she stripped to her underwear and told the officers they couldn't arrest her because she would be naked.

Laack struggled with the officers as they tried to arrest her, the complaint alleged, kicking one in the groin and spitting in the mouth of another.

While in the squad car on the way to the police station, the complaint said, Laack exposed her buttocks against the rear window.

The complaint said Laack had a preliminary blood-alcohol level of 0.112 percent. The legal blood-alcohol limit for driving is 0.08 percent.

Laack remained in jail Friday night. A man who answered the phone at her home declined comment.

Article

This is excellent and I really appreciate that her name is Julia.
Second favorite thing about this story is the "you can't arrest me cuz I'm getting naked" line. If only Larry Craig knew about this technicality.

Christmas is coming up!

Only $11.95

Hot Head

History Class is far more interesting in college. Maybe that's because the professor is the strangest woman I have ever met, from her stories about her wild sex life to her odd choice to sport one of those mushroom haircuts that middle-age women like to get.

Last class (that I actually went to) did not disappoint, as we learned about Plato's view on childbirth.

Apparently this dickwad (yep, that's a scholarly term. Oh you didn't know that? Clearly you have never attended a community college.) believed that women had almost nothing to do with birthing a child. They were just the 'ovens' essentially while the man's seed that he planted in the oven/garden/household item had the entire baby inside it. And what kept this little man egg warm was blood, so the woman obviously wouldn't have liked any Kristin Stewart movies. Actually, she couldn't like anything much at all, except maybe watching her drool hit the floor.

This is because women were not fit to be intellectuals, and educating a woman was a BAD idea. Not because you'd have to listen to her praise of Jodi Picoult novels, but because thinking forced all blood to enter your brain, and would leave the man fetus chilly. They didn't have Snuggies back then.

I don't know. Just when you think we've come a long way, the world is granted someone like Paris Hilton who would prove Plato completely right. I guess Kathy Hilton (why do I know her name?!?) had a heavy menstrual flow.

Oh hai Gary

XoXo

Gossip Girl

I Get High

Attention blogosphere slash the people who find this blog by accident when they search "Banana Hammock":

Have any of y'all been skydiving?

I'm thinking about doing it for my next birthday. You know, well before my ta-tas sag and flop around in the sky like deflating balloons.

Stare Down

Babies generally piss me off to begin with, but most of the time I can let it go and just find humor in the fact that most of them look like E.T. Not me, though, I was fucking adorable. And I was potty trained at 2 months, I just wore a diaper so everyone else wouldn't feel bad. Moving on, the worst offense that I have against these little blobs is that they stare into your soul without anyone telling them that it's rude. So if no one's going to tell them that it's rude, I've decided to show them instead. I do this with what I like to call a "learning glare" and it goes something like this:

Baby: (stares annoyingly)

Me: Fake Smile

Baby:

Me:
Baby:

Me:

And they can't tell Mommy and Daddy that that mean redhead girl is Doctor Evil-ing them while they sit minding their own business in their baby basket (bassinet?) because they CAN'T TALK. Well, once again, I could, but not everyone is up to my caliber.