New Yawk

^There I am, hailing a cab. Got swallowed up my hair scrunchie again. I just never learn.

NYC is a funny place. It never ceases to deliver the crazy (always collect the "we will all die in the pits of hell" pamphlets because they're full of Lolz) and the horrendous smells that I've found to be mostly urine with a hint of lemon. But it is also beautiful. Despite whatever hairy bastard sits too close to you on the Subway.

And my friend and I can proudly proclaim that we were tourist buffalo, as we were one step above the tourist sheep that stand in the exact middle of the crosswalks and wait to see if they should cross the rest of the few feet to the otherside or turn around completely. I don't know how the cabbies don't knock them down like bowling pins, to be honest. That also would seem quite fun.

Anyway, it was good times by all. Highlights include my friend belligerently yelling at Mickey and Minnie to see if they could see us inside their giant heads, and trying to decide if we were high or the sidewalk in Times Square WAS actually glittery. Apparently it was, and I've decided that that's the sweat of famous people.

Too bad I missed meeting up with people other than the giant fake mice (I promised you a shout-out, Mimi!) but there will definitely be a next time.

Martha Martha Martha!

First of all, let me just say that I love the above picture. Especially because it screams "I will strangle you with my mink scarf and use your gutted head for my petunias. I spent time in the big house."
But this post isn't about her sentence or the lack of a teardrop tattoo, but rather how unintentionally hilarious her show is. I started off my 11 o'clock hour watching The View, but when I realized that the occasion for menopausal arguing wasn't a required family gathering, I exercised my right to change the channel. So then came Martha-Living or Living With Martha, or whatever sugar-coated name they used to describe the hell that her fellow inmates went through. And boy, it did not disappoint! A quick summary would have M-Dawg spewing cuntiness from every pore and then covering up her impatient musings with "HAHA." For example, "GET ME MY PARKA- NO NOT THE GREY ONE YOU INCOMPETENT PIECE OF TRAILER TRASH- THE RED ONE!!! GET YOUR INBRED ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I NAOMI CAMPBELL YOU!!!" ............ "HAHA"

New Years With Maury

Someone just informed me that New Year's is coming up soon, but they also said that John McCain lost the election, so I'm pretty sure they're full of shit.
Anyhoo, I made some resolutions just in case.

1) Don't get gonorrhea again
2) Stop stealing from grandma
3) Tell Mike or Justin that he's the father
4) Learn what "misdemeanor" means
5) Find out what that stain in the bathroom is from

Today, is a special day

Anybody got any Raid?

Left- Manis Arora collection
Right- Great kids movie

Lonely MILFs Are Waiting!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Crazy-eyed Motherfucker

So apparently I've acquired this weird habit of having to blink more times than normal, and for longer periods of time. This wasn't so much of an issue until I realized I did it while driving on freeways and whatnot. Essentially I'm Stevie Wonder behind the wheel. In realizing that I don't want to hit small children or more importantly, squirrels, I've been trying to force myself out of this habit by expanding my eyes instead. I'd like to tell you that's not as weird as it sounds, but I look like something from Where the Wild Things Are. I feel as though I'm a science lesson. Not only can children get an up-close view of retinas, but their parents can reiterate the lesson about not smoking crack behind the elementary school.