Father Knows Best

Everyone should have a daughter as respectful and adoring as mine.

Julia wrote:

THERE IS NOTHING IN THE EMAIL EXCEPT "SENT FROM MY IPHONE"
WERE YOU THE KID IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS SHOVING PENCILS IN YOUR NOSE? JESUS CHRIST

Frozen Head Ted

There are a lot of reasons why I don't understand Ted Williams' desire to be stuffed in a freezer. The first being that if I had a gazillion dollars to spend in death, I would want my body transported in a gold hearse with rims and hydraulics, or for it to guest star on Law and Order SVU. I would also want all my living homies to win a yacht if they correctly guess the exact hue of my cold, blue hands.


I also don't understand the theory behind this, when I really think about it (which is mostly when I'm reaching for Lean Cuisine in the grocery store). His head is popped off his body like a grape, then frozen (which deteriorates human tissue...) and then in 100 years he's supposed to get microwaved and be all set to hit another home run?


Besides, apparently the The Red Sox are like a big team and have like legit players or something. So they don't really need an icicle dude holding out for the new lineup, anyway. I only know this because of that exquisite movie with Jimmy Fallon in it. Changed my life.

TV Review: The Pickup Artist

The basis of the show is to train helpless men who are having trouble approaching women and give them the confidence to be the creepy man offering you a drink who can't guarantee it's roofie-free. The teacher of these horny monkeys is seen above, in all his nail-polish-and-guyliner glory. He calls himself "Mystery" presumably because it's a mystery women touch him, and he's written books about the subject of picking up women. His students learn to use "props," like a feather boa, to entice women into speaking with them or they ask them questions about their hair. The women then read overwhelming signals from their gaydar and pretend to find this endearing so they'll have a new shopping buddy. This is omitted from the show for ratings or something. I'm gonna have to give this show two nail-polished thumbs down. Sorry, fake Criss Angel.

Irrelevant:

But what I REALLY wanna do is direct

Okay, readers are writing in that I'm getting too political (no I'm totally kidding- nobody reads this) so here's something random:

I kind of want to hold a seance. If nothing more than for lolz.
Best case scenario? We get to interview Larry King.

Birth Control

I know that the Duggar's are popping out bbs like a gumball machine because they think God told them to or some shiznit, so I'll lay off just in case they're on the arc (in pairs, naturally) and have room for one more.
What I don't understand, though, is the argument against birth control in general and how immoral it is.

So they say it kills babies. But the babies aren't born yet. So it's not even abortion (WHICH SHOULD BE DAMNED TO DAMNATION), but rather a pre-ordering of a baby. It's like being in the drive-thru of a McDonalds and deciding that a #2 with Cheese suddenly doesn't sound so appetizing anymore, so you drive off (or PULL OUT, amiright?). You haven't ordered. Billy behind the register isn't particularly concerned that his fingers won't burn .005 calories by pushing the buttons to complete your order, and you're happy that you won't be having diarrhea later. No harm done.

I don't get it, but maybe it's because I'm not a huge fan of babies. (Why do they stare? It's so impolite.)

This is not a LolCat

This is my speshul cat, Yoda. Apparently he was named because he was an ugly kitten with huge ears, but whatever. The pageant mom in me thinks he was always adorable. FUCK THA HATERZ