Happy Fucking Thanksgiving.

As you can probably decipher from the title, Julia is not a fan of Thanksgiving. And Julia only speaks in third person when she's angry.
While Easter takes the cake for having the dumbest traditions (egg hiding for Jesus- what kind of fuckery is that?), Thanksgiving wins the award for Most Ironic. Right, let's stuff everyone in the family together like the bread crumbs up the turkey's ass and call ourselves... wait for it.... "thankful." And this little fuckfest of joy doesn't just last an hour or two, no no, it requires an all day dedication to sitting around a table staring at a dead bird. This year I hope we can trade places.

John Wayne Gacy? More like John Wayne Silly-Facey!

Kids-- Don't talk to strangers. Strangers who try to give you and your friends candy and little knick-knacks are dangerous. If this person does not immediately leave when you ask them to, scream for Mom and Dad or someone to call 911. *

*all of this is void if they have funny clothes on and big shoes.

Children having clown phobias is so strange to me. I mean nothing screams Happy Birthday more than having a floppy-footed monster pull thin, long fabric out of their sleeve (is that a weapon?) and squeeze an air horn repeatedly to forbid you from going to your happy mental place.

And aside from the not-at-all-confusing undertones of the whole damn thing, you know Billy has never forgotten the incident outside 7-11 where a similarly dressed schizophrenic told Mommy she was a demon whose insides were rotting.

Because I Like Lists: Top 5 Most Embarrasing Crushes

#5) Andrae Gonzalo: Really the only thing that makes this embarrassing is that he's gayer than Richard Simmons in drag dancing to Wham and french-kissing Lance Bass whilst drinking a Cosmopolitan. Sigh.....








#4) Aladdin: First major offense? He's taken. That Jasmine bitch found him first. Second? He's not REAL. Yeah, but he's so dreamy...










#3) Tommy Lee: Umm yeah. His body is pretty much composed of the 3 Ds- drinks, drugs, and diseases. He's also not much of a romantic, as his most memorable gift to Pam was Hepatitis C. But he's got the bad boy thing going on and apparently that wows me? Yeah, I should probably take a course on feminism or something.








#2) Brett Michaels: I think I'm 10 STDs short of being a dating candidate, and also am not fooled by the bandanna cover-up trick. With that said, he's kind of.....charming.








#1) The Interrupter from Conan: Aside from the fact that his stories about his life commonly end with him stalking or peeping on people in bathrooms, he looks like a cross between Captain Hook and Weird Al. I honestly can't explain this one.

Thou loggerheaded fat-kidneyed moldwarp!

Old people are usually pretty passive. This is why you never see them trying to take out tourists with their scooters or flipping the bird from their Crown Vics. So what's the dealio, John McCain? I can't watch the current debates without cringing at his smarmy facial expressions and bitchy statements that rival with a Gossip Girl episode. He's like an overgrown child who never learned that you don't call someone a doo-doo head simply because you don't like their t-shirt... or economic policies.

*Title courtesy of Shakespearean Insult Generator

What was George Clooney doing in Illinois?

"Sex triggered a life-threatening stroke in a healthy 35-year-old Illinois woman, her doctors report.

Sex- and orgasm-triggered strokes in relatively young women and men are rare, but not unheard of. They require a combination of factors and events not unusual in themselves, but which are highly unlikely to occur at the same time.

The 35-year-old woman's symptoms were typical of this unusual kind of "cryptogenic" stroke, says Jose Biller, MD, professor and chair of the neurology department at Loyola University, Chicago.

"This young woman ... while having intercourse had numbness on the left side of her face, slurred speech, and weakness in her left arm," Biller tells WebMD. "When she was transferred to our care six hours after onset, she was completely unable to move her left arm, her face was paralyzed, her speech was garbled, and she was in a state of panic."


Rest of the CBS News Article

Hot Coco

Some little girls want to be princesses or The President, and some little girls want to be starfuckers with clothing that clings to their lady parts like saran wrap.
I was the ladder.
Each year my mom would take me to the local Frederick's of Hollywood and let me pick out my outfit for Career Day. And each year on that day we would go for ice cream when I was asked to leave. Apparently paste is appropriate in elementary school, but not pasties. Fascists.
So as my Rock of Love audition tape makes its way to VH1, let me raise my champagne mug to Coco- the ho. the myth. the legend.

And Now, A Special Message:

I updated this blog about the last time Madonna was relevant, but I'm back in all my nobody-reads-this glory! So if you see a plentiful assortment of posts from all hours of the day, remember that I'm just trying to dumb down the world, one post at a time.