Thou loggerheaded fat-kidneyed moldwarp!

Old people are usually pretty passive. This is why you never see them trying to take out tourists with their scooters or flipping the bird from their Crown Vics. So what's the dealio, John McCain? I can't watch the current debates without cringing at his smarmy facial expressions and bitchy statements that rival with a Gossip Girl episode. He's like an overgrown child who never learned that you don't call someone a doo-doo head simply because you don't like their t-shirt... or economic policies.

*Title courtesy of Shakespearean Insult Generator

What was George Clooney doing in Illinois?

"Sex triggered a life-threatening stroke in a healthy 35-year-old Illinois woman, her doctors report.

Sex- and orgasm-triggered strokes in relatively young women and men are rare, but not unheard of. They require a combination of factors and events not unusual in themselves, but which are highly unlikely to occur at the same time.

The 35-year-old woman's symptoms were typical of this unusual kind of "cryptogenic" stroke, says Jose Biller, MD, professor and chair of the neurology department at Loyola University, Chicago.

"This young woman ... while having intercourse had numbness on the left side of her face, slurred speech, and weakness in her left arm," Biller tells WebMD. "When she was transferred to our care six hours after onset, she was completely unable to move her left arm, her face was paralyzed, her speech was garbled, and she was in a state of panic."


Rest of the CBS News Article

Hot Coco

Some little girls want to be princesses or The President, and some little girls want to be starfuckers with clothing that clings to their lady parts like saran wrap.
I was the ladder.
Each year my mom would take me to the local Frederick's of Hollywood and let me pick out my outfit for Career Day. And each year on that day we would go for ice cream when I was asked to leave. Apparently paste is appropriate in elementary school, but not pasties. Fascists.
So as my Rock of Love audition tape makes its way to VH1, let me raise my champagne mug to Coco- the ho. the myth. the legend.

And Now, A Special Message:

I updated this blog about the last time Madonna was relevant, but I'm back in all my nobody-reads-this glory! So if you see a plentiful assortment of posts from all hours of the day, remember that I'm just trying to dumb down the world, one post at a time.

You are NOT the father

...Because the baby was cloned!

So there was this dude, let's call him Rael... because he nicknamed himself Rael... and he used to drive race cars and write about them. After most likely hitting the dashboard one too many times, he grew to believe that he was 'special.' Not shortbus special, but "the angels who created the world speak to me and tell me what to do" special.

Rael would take his quasi-philosophy and hold a conference in Paris, France, which is a rather ritzy place to debut your crazy. You'd think dragging a wooden crate from behind a Piggly Wiggly would be sufficient, but I guess his dreams were out of this world. (Zing!)

Essentially the beliefs of this religion (and I may paraphrase) are that these aforementioned Angel People are "human-like" extraterrestrials (La Toya Jackson, anyone?) who created Earth and like to chat about it. Sometimes these martian characters zip down to Earth via UFO to drop off prophets like UPS packages. These include, but are not limited to, Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad and our guy Rael, of course. Jesus, Buddha and Muhammad didn't seem to mention the UFOs or Raelianism when they were here, but it's nice that they're included anyway.

Anyway, Rael and his peeps wanted attention which is odd because you'd think someone who claims to talk to UFO people in his spare time would have been hugged a lot as a child. They decided that the answers to the worlds problems (such as over-population) is cloned babies, and they started an organization called Clonaid to practice this hobby. Some people have Easy Bake Ovens, some people have Clonaid. To each their own.

Then in December of 2002, the day after Rael's pal Jesus' birthday, a baby girl popped out of the cloning machine and was named Eve. After giving the mother a day to peacefully bond with machine-created daughter, they gave a heads up to the media that this bambino wasn't born the lame human way-- it was manufactured like a Toyota.

We still haven't seen baby Eve or her cloned sister, but her sixth birthday is coming up and I hope they rent a moon bounce for the party. It just seems fitting.

Banana Hammock

Yeah, okay Bed Bath and Beyond. My first thought was definitely "Fruit and Vegetable Hammock."

...And nothing relating to Borat

You Got Somethin on Yo Face

The 'stache is many things. A statement, a dare, or an act of rebellion if you work at Disney World. But most of all, it is that hilarious little gem you find in family pictures from before you were alive.

Celebrate the 'stache with Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century