Beebity Bop.

PiXXX

2010-02-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

A lot of the photos that go with various posts aren't showing up. Does this matter to YOU personally? Yes, you. No, I'm not kidding, I can see you right now. Through the screen. You're reading and sitting alone. And you just looked behind you..... no? Okay maybe you should.

Mondays at 9, honey!

2010-02-04T21:56:00.001-08:00

Season 2! Camerooooon!

MAKE ME A SAMMICH

2010-01-05T21:44:00.000-08:00

While everything else in America seems to be increasing dollar-wise, I keep coming across really really inexpensive kitchen equipment. Like ginormous pots and pans at like $10 a piece- ones that you don't even have to scrape the dried Robitussin and Sprite out of as you search for the Good Will price tag.
Is it because Americans just aren't cooking? That they are all too satisfied with getting a box-o-burger from a fast food window?
I don't have any stock in Williams-Sonoma so I guess it doesn't really matter to me, it just seems odd that these prices are so low. I ordered various ones off of Amazon for Christmas gifts (speaking of lazy...) and couldn't believe that my brother's cheap-o shirt was twice as expensive as a nice crock pot. Or stove pot. Or dutch oven. Hehehe I said Dutch Oven. Anyway, I don't know what it's called because I'm American and don't cook. You like that closing sentence? I've got recipes for so many cutesy sentences it would even make Rachel Ray vomit.

Oh.

2010-01-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

Boy George Part II

2009-10-30T23:47:00.001-07:00

This kid was one of the finalists on American Idol and I actually really like him. I don't know his music at all, but I'm guessing it probably sounds just like Lil Wayne with maybe a hint of N.W.A.
What I like is that he's trying to make it in the music industry, even though he could easily just be a Fergie impersonator. And that he's gay- really really really gay.
I love gay men and wish they could turn it off slightly so we could be married, and I admire the strength it takes to come out of the closet. So for him to come out to the American public and be really nonchalant about it is awesome. And then to release a CD cover that would make Pat Robertson shit himself-- DOUBLE awesome.

Tweety

2009-10-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems." -- Some guy named Justin's dad

The Geriatrics Next Door

2009-10-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

That's the name E! network would have to use if Hugh Hefner actually dated people his age.

Anyway, The Girls Next Door is so fucking stupid this season. The events are stupid, the interviews are stupid, and the new girls are really, really stupid.

Especially Dumb and Dumber-- the barely-legal twins that are Hefner's pets now.

Okay, Holly, Bridget and Kendra weren't exactly about to win the Nobel Prize or anything, but they could probably at least spell it.

This season actually makes me cringe. I keep waiting for the girls' parents to come pick them up from topless daycare, but instead they spend night after night sleeping next to a corpse.

Alright Mr. DeMille, I'm Ready For My Close Up

2009-10-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I want a successful career of doing nothing, essentially. Minimal effort, maximum allowance. All the Kim Kardashian / Paris Hilton types who have achieved this all got there from showing their cooch and then complaining about it. Lets be more original. I do like the idea of being famous for your fucking blog like Perez Hilton or Bryanboy. Well, BB isn't as famous, but he gets invited to Fashion Week and gets to hang out with Marc Jacobs and such and get free shit. So lets make that work. Hmm... who says idiotic things and can be my celebrity endorser? I mean Paris is pretty stupid but I don't think she can read. We'll work on this...

The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Red Foreman

2009-10-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

I'm watching reruns of That 70s Show at 2 in the morning because I can't sleep and coming up with very important observations such as this one:

Red Foreman looks like The Brain from Pinky and The Brain.

Cool. Glad we had this conversation.

Woman Laacks Sobriety

2009-10-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. — Police say a Wisconsin woman stripped in front of her children in an attempt to avoid arrest for shoplifting, then scuffled with officers and exposed herself through a squad car window.

Julia E. Laack, 36, of Sheboygan was charged Friday with felony battery of a peace officer, resisting an officer, shoplifting and two counts of disorderly conduct, the Sheboygan Press reported.

The criminal complaint alleges Laack stole a bag of beef jerky and a lighter at a convenience store Thursday afternoon. Police went to her home. The complaint said she refused to come to the door and began screaming and swearing at three children in her house, telling one that the incident was all his fault.

Police entered and tried to calm her down. With her children present, the complaint said, she stripped to her underwear and told the officers they couldn't arrest her because she would be naked.

Laack struggled with the officers as they tried to arrest her, the complaint alleged, kicking one in the groin and spitting in the mouth of another.

While in the squad car on the way to the police station, the complaint said, Laack exposed her buttocks against the rear window.

The complaint said Laack had a preliminary blood-alcohol level of 0.112 percent. The legal blood-alcohol limit for driving is 0.08 percent.

Laack remained in jail Friday night. A man who answered the phone at her home declined comment.

Article

This is excellent and I really appreciate that her name is Julia.
Second favorite thing about this story is the "you can't arrest me cuz I'm getting naked" line. If only Larry Craig knew about this technicality.

Christmas is coming up!

2009-10-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

Only $11.95

Hot Head

2009-09-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

History Class is far more interesting in college. Maybe that's because the professor is the strangest woman I have ever met, from her stories about her wild sex life to her odd choice to sport one of those mushroom haircuts that middle-age women like to get.

Last class (that I actually went to) did not disappoint, as we learned about Plato's view on childbirth.

Apparently this dickwad (yep, that's a scholarly term. Oh you didn't know that? Clearly you have never attended a community college.) believed that women had almost nothing to do with birthing a child. They were just the 'ovens' essentially while the man's seed that he planted in the oven/garden/household item had the entire baby inside it. And what kept this little man egg warm was blood, so the woman obviously wouldn't have liked any Kristin Stewart movies. Actually, she couldn't like anything much at all, except maybe watching her drool hit the floor.

This is because women were not fit to be intellectuals, and educating a woman was a BAD idea. Not because you'd have to listen to her praise of Jodi Picoult novels, but because thinking forced all blood to enter your brain, and would leave the man fetus chilly. They didn't have Snuggies back then.

I don't know. Just when you think we've come a long way, the world is granted someone like Paris Hilton who would prove Plato completely right. I guess Kathy Hilton (why do I know her name?!?) had a heavy menstrual flow.

Oh hai Gary

2009-08-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

XoXo

Gossip Girl

I Get High

2009-08-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

Attention blogosphere slash the people who find this blog by accident when they search "Banana Hammock":

Have any of y'all been skydiving?

I'm thinking about doing it for my next birthday. You know, well before my ta-tas sag and flop around in the sky like deflating balloons.

Stare Down

2009-08-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

Babies generally piss me off to begin with, but most of the time I can let it go and just find humor in the fact that most of them look like E.T. Not me, though, I was fucking adorable. And I was potty trained at 2 months, I just wore a diaper so everyone else wouldn't feel bad. Moving on, the worst offense that I have against these little blobs is that they stare into your soul without anyone telling them that it's rude. So if no one's going to tell them that it's rude, I've decided to show them instead. I do this with what I like to call a "learning glare" and it goes something like this:

Baby: (stares annoyingly)

Me: Fake Smile

Baby:

Me:
Baby:

Me:

And they can't tell Mommy and Daddy that that mean redhead girl is Doctor Evil-ing them while they sit minding their own business in their baby basket (bassinet?) because they CAN'T TALK. Well, once again, I could, but not everyone is up to my caliber.

New Yawk

2009-03-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

^There I am, hailing a cab. Got swallowed up my hair scrunchie again. I just never learn.

NYC is a funny place. It never ceases to deliver the crazy (always collect the "we will all die in the pits of hell" pamphlets because they're full of Lolz) and the horrendous smells that I've found to be mostly urine with a hint of lemon. But it is also beautiful. Despite whatever hairy bastard sits too close to you on the Subway.

And my friend and I can proudly proclaim that we were tourist buffalo, as we were one step above the tourist sheep that stand in the exact middle of the crosswalks and wait to see if they should cross the rest of the few feet to the otherside or turn around completely. I don't know how the cabbies don't knock them down like bowling pins, to be honest. That also would seem quite fun.

Anyway, it was good times by all. Highlights include my friend belligerently yelling at Mickey and Minnie to see if they could see us inside their giant heads, and trying to decide if we were high or the sidewalk in Times Square WAS actually glittery. Apparently it was, and I've decided that that's the sweat of famous people.

Too bad I missed meeting up with people other than the giant fake mice (I promised you a shout-out, Mimi!) but there will definitely be a next time.

Martha Martha Martha!

2009-01-05T08:54:00.001-08:00

First of all, let me just say that I love the above picture. Especially because it screams "I will strangle you with my mink scarf and use your gutted head for my petunias. I spent time in the big house."
But this post isn't about her sentence or the lack of a teardrop tattoo, but rather how unintentionally hilarious her show is. I started off my 11 o'clock hour watching The View, but when I realized that the occasion for menopausal arguing wasn't a required family gathering, I exercised my right to change the channel. So then came Martha-Living or Living With Martha, or whatever sugar-coated name they used to describe the hell that her fellow inmates went through. And boy, it did not disappoint! A quick summary would have M-Dawg spewing cuntiness from every pore and then covering up her impatient musings with "HAHA." For example, "GET ME MY PARKA- NO NOT THE GREY ONE YOU INCOMPETENT PIECE OF TRAILER TRASH- THE RED ONE!!! GET YOUR INBRED ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I NAOMI CAMPBELL YOU!!!" ............ "HAHA"

New Years With Maury

2008-12-25T01:37:00.000-08:00

Someone just informed me that New Year's is coming up soon, but they also said that John McCain lost the election, so I'm pretty sure they're full of shit.
Anyhoo, I made some resolutions just in case.

1) Don't get gonorrhea again
2) Stop stealing from grandma
3) Tell Mike or Justin that he's the father
4) Learn what "misdemeanor" means
5) Find out what that stain in the bathroom is from

Today, is a special day

2008-12-25T01:35:00.001-08:00

Anybody got any Raid?

2008-12-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

Left- Manis Arora collection
Right- Great kids movie

Lonely MILFs Are Waiting!

2008-12-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was 8 years old, I've had an email account. Granted, it was probably something like "boogerbouncer6@hotmail.com" but nonetheless, I am not unaware of the magic of spam and the lolz it can bring. I like the ones that include my full name, especially when it's advertising penile enhancers and they come 20 times a day. (The emails, that is).
My recent favorite, though, is one simply titled "LONELY MILFS ARE WAITING" written just like that. The imagery is just so perfect. Linda the soccer mom drops the pan of lasagna as she reaches for her beeper which alerts her that someone has received the email. She races out the door in her mom jeans to meet up with a 38 year old man who found the email while taking a break from World of Warcraft. They spend the following 15 minutes cavorting on his parents' couch, and she leaves him a casserole to thank him for his time.
Cheers to you, Linda. Cheers to you.

Crazy-eyed Motherfucker

2008-12-02T23:35:00.000-08:00

So apparently I've acquired this weird habit of having to blink more times than normal, and for longer periods of time. This wasn't so much of an issue until I realized I did it while driving on freeways and whatnot. Essentially I'm Stevie Wonder behind the wheel. In realizing that I don't want to hit small children or more importantly, squirrels, I've been trying to force myself out of this habit by expanding my eyes instead. I'd like to tell you that's not as weird as it sounds, but I look like something from Where the Wild Things Are. I feel as though I'm a science lesson. Not only can children get an up-close view of retinas, but their parents can reiterate the lesson about not smoking crack behind the elementary school.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

I didn't get to celebrate Halloween this year because the state made me put a sign in my window, but I'm thinking that next year I'd like to go as a roofie. I think it would fit well in Facebook pictures next to my friends dressed as Naughty Nurses and such. It's not as creative as The Joker or Sarah Palin, but goddammit, it's just as funny! Hoo buddy, I haven't laughed this hard since OJ shot people.

New Trend Alert

2008-11-17T22:30:00.001-08:00

I'm the Miss Cleo of trends. I can predict them years in advance. Uggs? Called it in the 2nd grade. So when I see the dwindling of the giant bug-eyed sunglasses trend, I immediately know what's about to take place. A combination of Uggs and sunglasses-- Sugglasses? Nah, too predictable. Instead the trend setters are going the opposite route of giant frames and start sporting monocles. So when you buy yours from the "People Named Chauncey" section, you think of me.

Geography Lesson

2008-11-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

Lemur Island
is full of lemurs.
Goddamn.

Chuck Manson: Poet

2008-11-07T15:09:00.001-08:00

One of my favorite quotes, ever, is by none other than serial killer Charles Manson!
In being asked "Who are you?" while in a snazzy orange jumpsuit, Robert Frost-like Manson replied:

"Nobody
I'm Nobody
I'm a tramp a bum a hobo
I'm a boxcar and a jug of wine
And a street racer if you get to close to me"

I don't know what it means, but I've taken to reciting it as my answer to "How are you?"s from people I went to high school with.

*You can see him recite this poetic moment himself, here.
(And I wouldn't Rick Roll you on such an occasion as this, and that's also that's kind of passe now, innit?)

Anybody got a tissue?

2008-10-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

I like this dress, I do. It's fluffy and cute like a bunny. I guess the problem is that I don't get the "concept" as Michael Kors would say. Is it meant to outfit Mia Wallace when her nose bleeds like a period because of a coke burn? Because if so, that's absolutely genius. Just think how much money the Olsen twins would save.

Nose tampon dress courtesy of Senada Theory.

Modesty.

2008-10-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

In trying to get readership to this ADD-fueled ridiculousness of a blog, I've been researching the art of shameless self-promotion. Usually this is hard to get away with. When the vapid cuntwaffles that are Heidi and Spencer whore it up for the cameras, the satirical websites get a literary boner. But don't underestimate the evils of Speidi. They covet this shit.

The idea that there is no such thing as bad press seemed like bullshit to me until 2003- the year that brought you One Night in Paris. Obviously there were famous tapes before that (Tam-- that's Tommy and Pam) but none seemed to enhance someone's career quite so radically before the gem that was that night vision film. It was arguably better than winning an Oscar because there's no acceptance speech required. Your vag does all the talking.

So while weighing these aforementioned celebrities who have mastered this art of promoting themselves, I quickly realized that once again, Oprah wins everything. Who else could possibly put their photoshopped face on over 96 covers without getting a flake of criticism? Oprah. She pimps herself so well, she should teach classes. And you know what she'd have her students read? Her fucking magazine.

I'm Being Followed.

2008-10-27T19:14:00.001-07:00

I have a friend that believes Rasta colors follow her. And I never really thought about what, if anything, follows me... but then it hit me like Mike Tyson on PCP.

Jimmy motherfucking Buffett. Not only was Margaritaville recorded to give grey-haired boaters something to pass off as music, but to torture me and control my life, too.

See, it's how I rate my days now. If I hear the song, I probably stepped in a puddle and lost my wallet or something. If I didn't, then things are alright.

So here we have a photo of The Jimster wearing what appear to be Rasta colors. Further proof, my friends, further proof.

Vocabulary Lesson!

2008-10-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

What I learned the other day: "twat" is not a synonym for "twit" even though they sound alike. Isn't that neat?

Also, why yes, that is a vagina couch. Why do you ask?

Just two kittens out on the town

2008-10-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

My brother is convinced that I'm on the path to being a crazy cat lady. He also has this thing about my future children being disqualified from swim meets because of their flipper feet, but that's another post.

Anyway, I usually counter him with something about his lesbian haircut, but I'm afraid he may be right.

I mean, yes... sometimes I do start my morning by asking each of the cats how they are that day, but it's called being polite. And YES, I do come to school most days covered in a sea of fur reminiscent of Robin Williams' arms. And, okay, when I practice speeches for class, my audience members purr with approval, but that could also be my unique friend Stephanie.

So, alright. Maybe my brother is right. But when he's living alone because his gender is too confusing for potential companions, I'll be cuddling with Muffikins and Fluffikins thankyouverymuch.

Father Knows Best

2008-10-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Everyone should have a daughter as respectful and adoring as mine.

Julia wrote:

THERE IS NOTHING IN THE EMAIL EXCEPT "SENT FROM MY IPHONE"
WERE YOU THE KID IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS SHOVING PENCILS IN YOUR NOSE? JESUS CHRIST

Frozen Head Ted

2008-10-26T00:15:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of reasons why I don't understand Ted Williams' desire to be stuffed in a freezer. The first being that if I had a gazillion dollars to spend in death, I would want my body transported in a gold hearse with rims and hydraulics, or for it to guest star on Law and Order SVU. I would also want all my living homies to win a yacht if they correctly guess the exact hue of my cold, blue hands.

I also don't understand the theory behind this, when I really think about it (which is mostly when I'm reaching for Lean Cuisine in the grocery store). His head is popped off his body like a grape, then frozen (which deteriorates human tissue...) and then in 100 years he's supposed to get microwaved and be all set to hit another home run?

Besides, apparently the The Red Sox are like a big team and have like legit players or something. So they don't really need an icicle dude holding out for the new lineup, anyway. I only know this because of that exquisite movie with Jimmy Fallon in it. Changed my life.

TV Review: The Pickup Artist

2008-10-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

The basis of the show is to train helpless men who are having trouble approaching women and give them the confidence to be the creepy man offering you a drink who can't guarantee it's roofie-free. The teacher of these horny monkeys is seen above, in all his nail-polish-and-guyliner glory. He calls himself "Mystery" presumably because it's a mystery women touch him, and he's written books about the subject of picking up women. His students learn to use "props," like a feather boa, to entice women into speaking with them or they ask them questions about their hair. The women then read overwhelming signals from their gaydar and pretend to find this endearing so they'll have a new shopping buddy. This is omitted from the show for ratings or something. I'm gonna have to give this show two nail-polished thumbs down. Sorry, fake Criss Angel.

Irrelevant:

2008-10-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

But what I REALLY wanna do is direct

2008-10-21T20:26:00.001-07:00

Okay, readers are writing in that I'm getting too political (no I'm totally kidding- nobody reads this) so here's something random:

I kind of want to hold a seance. If nothing more than for lolz.
Best case scenario? We get to interview Larry King.

Birth Control

2008-10-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

I know that the Duggar's are popping out bbs like a gumball machine because they think God told them to or some shiznit, so I'll lay off just in case they're on the arc (in pairs, naturally) and have room for one more.
What I don't understand, though, is the argument against birth control in general and how immoral it is.

So they say it kills babies. But the babies aren't born yet. So it's not even abortion (WHICH SHOULD BE DAMNED TO DAMNATION), but rather a pre-ordering of a baby. It's like being in the drive-thru of a McDonalds and deciding that a #2 with Cheese suddenly doesn't sound so appetizing anymore, so you drive off (or PULL OUT, amiright?). You haven't ordered. Billy behind the register isn't particularly concerned that his fingers won't burn .005 calories by pushing the buttons to complete your order, and you're happy that you won't be having diarrhea later. No harm done.

I don't get it, but maybe it's because I'm not a huge fan of babies. (Why do they stare? It's so impolite.)

This is not a LolCat

2008-10-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

This is my speshul cat, Yoda. Apparently he was named because he was an ugly kitten with huge ears, but whatever. The pageant mom in me thinks he was always adorable. FUCK THA HATERZ

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving.

2008-10-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

As you can probably decipher from the title, Julia is not a fan of Thanksgiving. And Julia only speaks in third person when she's angry.
While Easter takes the cake for having the dumbest traditions (egg hiding for Jesus- what kind of fuckery is that?), Thanksgiving wins the award for Most Ironic. Right, let's stuff everyone in the family together like the bread crumbs up the turkey's ass and call ourselves... wait for it.... "thankful." And this little fuckfest of joy doesn't just last an hour or two, no no, it requires an all day dedication to sitting around a table staring at a dead bird. This year I hope we can trade places.

John Wayne Gacy? More like John Wayne Silly-Facey!

2008-10-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

Kids-- Don't talk to strangers. Strangers who try to give you and your friends candy and little knick-knacks are dangerous. If this person does not immediately leave when you ask them to, scream for Mom and Dad or someone to call 911. *

*all of this is void if they have funny clothes on and big shoes.

Children having clown phobias is so strange to me. I mean nothing screams Happy Birthday more than having a floppy-footed monster pull thin, long fabric out of their sleeve (is that a weapon?) and squeeze an air horn repeatedly to forbid you from going to your happy mental place.

And aside from the not-at-all-confusing undertones of the whole damn thing, you know Billy has never forgotten the incident outside 7-11 where a similarly dressed schizophrenic told Mommy she was a demon whose insides were rotting.

Because I Like Lists: Top 5 Most Embarrasing Crushes

2008-10-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

#5) Andrae Gonzalo: Really the only thing that makes this embarrassing is that he's gayer than Richard Simmons in drag dancing to Wham and french-kissing Lance Bass whilst drinking a Cosmopolitan. Sigh.....

#4) Aladdin: First major offense? He's taken. That Jasmine bitch found him first. Second? He's not REAL. Yeah, but he's so dreamy...

#3) Tommy Lee: Umm yeah. His body is pretty much composed of the 3 Ds- drinks, drugs, and diseases. He's also not much of a romantic, as his most memorable gift to Pam was Hepatitis C. But he's got the bad boy thing going on and apparently that wows me? Yeah, I should probably take a course on feminism or something.

#2) Brett Michaels: I think I'm 10 STDs short of being a dating candidate, and also am not fooled by the bandanna cover-up trick. With that said, he's kind of.....charming.

#1) The Interrupter from Conan: Aside from the fact that his stories about his life commonly end with him stalking or peeping on people in bathrooms, he looks like a cross between Captain Hook and Weird Al. I honestly can't explain this one.

Thou loggerheaded fat-kidneyed moldwarp!

2008-10-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

Old people are usually pretty passive. This is why you never see them trying to take out tourists with their scooters or flipping the bird from their Crown Vics. So what's the dealio, John McCain? I can't watch the current debates without cringing at his smarmy facial expressions and bitchy statements that rival with a Gossip Girl episode. He's like an overgrown child who never learned that you don't call someone a doo-doo head simply because you don't like their t-shirt... or economic policies.

*Title courtesy of Shakespearean Insult Generator

What was George Clooney doing in Illinois?

2008-10-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

"Sex triggered a life-threatening stroke in a healthy 35-year-old Illinois woman, her doctors report.

Sex- and orgasm-triggered strokes in relatively young women and men are rare, but not unheard of. They require a combination of factors and events not unusual in themselves, but which are highly unlikely to occur at the same time.

The 35-year-old woman's symptoms were typical of this unusual kind of "cryptogenic" stroke, says Jose Biller, MD, professor and chair of the neurology department at Loyola University, Chicago.

"This young woman ... while having intercourse had numbness on the left side of her face, slurred speech, and weakness in her left arm," Biller tells WebMD. "When she was transferred to our care six hours after onset, she was completely unable to move her left arm, her face was paralyzed, her speech was garbled, and she was in a state of panic."

Rest of the CBS News Article

Hot Coco

2008-10-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

Some little girls want to be princesses or The President, and some little girls want to be starfuckers with clothing that clings to their lady parts like saran wrap.
I was the ladder.
Each year my mom would take me to the local Frederick's of Hollywood and let me pick out my outfit for Career Day. And each year on that day we would go for ice cream when I was asked to leave. Apparently paste is appropriate in elementary school, but not pasties. Fascists.
So as my Rock of Love audition tape makes its way to VH1, let me raise my champagne mug to Coco- the ho. the myth. the legend.

And Now, A Special Message:

2008-10-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

I updated this blog about the last time Madonna was relevant, but I'm back in all my nobody-reads-this glory! So if you see a plentiful assortment of posts from all hours of the day, remember that I'm just trying to dumb down the world, one post at a time.

You are NOT the father

2008-07-11T19:47:00.001-07:00

...Because the baby was cloned!

So there was this dude, let's call him Rael... because he nicknamed himself Rael... and he used to drive race cars and write about them. After most likely hitting the dashboard one too many times, he grew to believe that he was 'special.' Not shortbus special, but "the angels who created the world speak to me and tell me what to do" special.

Rael would take his quasi-philosophy and hold a conference in Paris, France, which is a rather ritzy place to debut your crazy. You'd think dragging a wooden crate from behind a Piggly Wiggly would be sufficient, but I guess his dreams were out of this world. (Zing!)

Essentially the beliefs of this religion (and I may paraphrase) are that these aforementioned Angel People are "human-like" extraterrestrials (La Toya Jackson, anyone?) who created Earth and like to chat about it. Sometimes these martian characters zip down to Earth via UFO to drop off prophets like UPS packages. These include, but are not limited to, Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad and our guy Rael, of course. Jesus, Buddha and Muhammad didn't seem to mention the UFOs or Raelianism when they were here, but it's nice that they're included anyway.

Anyway, Rael and his peeps wanted attention which is odd because you'd think someone who claims to talk to UFO people in his spare time would have been hugged a lot as a child. They decided that the answers to the worlds problems (such as over-population) is cloned babies, and they started an organization called Clonaid to practice this hobby. Some people have Easy Bake Ovens, some people have Clonaid. To each their own.

Then in December of 2002, the day after Rael's pal Jesus' birthday, a baby girl popped out of the cloning machine and was named Eve. After giving the mother a day to peacefully bond with machine-created daughter, they gave a heads up to the media that this bambino wasn't born the lame human way-- it was manufactured like a Toyota.

We still haven't seen baby Eve or her cloned sister, but her sixth birthday is coming up and I hope they rent a moon bounce for the party. It just seems fitting.

Banana Hammock

2008-07-09T17:59:00.001-07:00

Yeah, okay Bed Bath and Beyond. My first thought was definitely "Fruit and Vegetable Hammock."

...And nothing relating to Borat

You Got Somethin on Yo Face

2008-07-09T17:47:00.001-07:00

The 'stache is many things. A statement, a dare, or an act of rebellion if you work at Disney World. But most of all, it is that hilarious little gem you find in family pictures from before you were alive.

Celebrate the 'stache with Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century

Putting the I in Ireland

2008-04-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

Pictures From my Trip/ Shameless Photography Promotion

Nick Nolte, is that chu?

Socrelosis Madraeus

2008-04-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Common Name: Soccer Mom
Symptoms Include:
*Knowing who Gayle King is
*Reading Danielle Steel novels
*Having the same haircut since 1998
*Spending a third of your life in the Starbucks line
*Believing that Tipper Gore makes a solid argument
*Wearing jeans up to your bosom
*Driving an automotive shrine to your child
*Owning a Peter Gabriel and/or Phil Collins CD
*Dressing your whole family in Crocs
*Considering 9:30 PM to be 'late'
*Neglecting your steering wheel because your cell phone needs to know the best recipe for parmesan chicken RIGHT THEN
*Categorizing your closet into 2 sections. "Trackpants" and "Not Trackpants"
*Finding Dr. Phil 'charming'

If you or someone you know has 3 or more of these symptoms...
well I don't know what you can do. But THROW THE CROCS AWAY

Chaving a Wonderful Time

2008-04-11T12:13:00.001-07:00

I like to spice up European vacations by scouting for Chavs. This charmer did not disappoint. He had the full ensemble AND vomited in the street!

Here's to You, Swamp Thing

2008-04-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

In a world where a DUI is like an initiation ritual into the vapid world of the too-rich and too-famous, a violent, heroin (Or is it coke? Or meth? Or crack?) addicted lump of hair is like discovering your third batch of herpes. You'd rather it no be in your life, but you're not too worried about it. Anyway, aside from being the unofficial sponsor of Betty Ford, she is also known for her powerful voice and unique sound. Back to Black (is she talking about her teeth here?), her internationally successful second album, is credited with reviving the Motown sound with hints of rock and roll along the way. Her talent is immense, though her addiction takes precedence in the press, and she is a breath of would-be fresh air in the music scene. Thanks, Amy, for keeping my ears entertained and Mexican gangs in business, all at the same time!